15,000 Vampires in the UK? I’m getting out my garlic!

Apparently there is an underground cult of vampires in the UK. Dear Lord.

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I’m getting out my garlic

According to Dr Emyr Williams, there is a subculture of around 15,000 vampires in the UK and vampirism is in fact a ‘worldwide phenomenon’. I only hope this is news to most of you. Now, I like a bit of Robert Pattinson as much as the next person, but actually behaving as a blood-sucking vampire in real life is just plain wrong.

Is this some kind of warped BDSM that takes even that kind of sexual fantasy too far? Apart from the fact that ingesting blood is not natural, normal or tasty, the risks of contracting a blood-borne disease are extremely high. So while schools are teaching kids about safe sex, the vampires are (slightly) reversing this precious barrier against dangerous infections and disease. I never thought it would be necessary to remind people that Twilight is fictitious. After all, Kristen Stewart’s emotional range is incredible.

Aside from disparaging dreadful pieces of cinema (and literature, although it’s easily forgotten), I can see some other problems with assuming the life of a cold one. If the cult grew, the population would be enormous because vampires are immortal. There would be a national blood shortage, so instead of blood banks for transfusions, we would be opening our veins to feed the mouths of the poor, hungry weirdoes.

Or perhaps in less voluntary way. Claiming to be a safe group, the vampires have only killed one person in the UK, how kind. But you never know what the future holds. In my opinion, one vampire-related death is enough.

And since the future is uncertain, I don’t know when the vampires will come for me. Maybe Taylor Lautner will come to the rescue. But one thing is for sure: I’m getting out my garlic.

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